CHASING CLOUDS, EXPOSING EXPECATION

Expectations. We've grown up on a healthy dose of them haven't we?

Sometimes I wonder if expectations are the key to our undoing. That maybe expectations lead to more suffering than healing, more separation than unity, more pain than peace. That maybe expectations are costing us far more than they're worth.

As children, we're expected to act a certain way, fill a certain spot in our family, play a certain role. Meeting such expectations is met with reward. Failing is met with shame. For me this took the shape of perfectionism. The more I succeeded, the more I strove to be "good", the more I was covered with acclamation and praise. Apparently working really hard to be perfect makes for a really good kid, student, family member, employee, and on and on. Expectations were piled on like bricks, one perfect rectangle stacked on top of the other until I was trapped inside. This created a really strong, tall fortress.

Walls I continue dismantling to this day.

Maybe you were expected to be perfect or maybe you found yourself put in the place of trouble maker, the mischievous one, the funny kid, the fat kid [I'm so sorry], the athlete, the musical one, you fill in the blank.

And then we live into it. We create our lives around it.

We raise our kids from this voice.

For me, perfect led to sick. For the greater part of my life I charged ahead with the perfect flag as my guide. I worked to design the perfect building, find the perfect diet, introduce food to my new baby in the perfect way, parent and feed my kids perfectly, keep the house a perfect sort of clean, practice a pose perfectly - keep up, never stop, push, chase the perfect. This pursuit kept me so occupied, every warning sign my body so kindly provided went unnoticed or ignored until it had to scream to get my attention.

The irony is, perfect is an illusion. Expectations a mirage. Kind of like shapes in the clouds. You can see them and fully believe that cloud is a dragon. You can do everything possible to convince yourself it's true, but it's still very much a cloud. And in a moment it may transform into a bunny or turtle or fish or dissipate completely - the entire time actually being a collection of moisture in the atmosphere.

It seems so silly and yet most of us live out of this place. We chase and push and work ourselves sick. We eat believing this is who we are. We workout thinking there actually is an ideal. We crack jokes to keep people laughing, hoping they don't see the "other side". We self-destruct because, well, it's expected. Or for any number of reasons, spurred on by the voices loudly clanging around in our head, we stay imprisoned.

But what would happen if you took one expectation and set it aside. Maybe you begin with your kids. Is there an expectation you have for them you could test living without? Or maybe you try it on your spouse or your friends? Are you expecting them to show up in a way they simply can't?

My youngest child has a way of expressing herself that comes on with strength and intensity. This is generally followed by a sense of deep shame equal in force. She has big feelings and needs to express them immediately. My first instinct is to react just as intensely, demanding she doesn't talk to me that way, making sure she knows how wrong that is. However, by releasing the expectation for her to act a certain way, I'm able to see her as she is - a child that needs to be heard and understood. So I let her react and then I hold her and let her cry and then, when I feel her relax in my arms, I tell her I hear her and believe her and understand how she feels. We talk about words she could use to express herself in a way I can understand and that won't be hurtful or unkind. Overtime she's been able to use these words and her intensity has come down a notch or two. Not because we expected it out of her but because she's needing that intensity less and less. More importantly, she's being given the space to show up honestly with what's inside of her, use her own unique voice, and can trust she's okay and still lovable.

But it had to begin with me releasing how I thought she should be [an expectation I was living out of from my own childhood] and instead hold this sacred space for her to grow in authenticity.

Ultimately, sustainable change comes from within. It comes from recognizing that the voices you've taken on as your own are not truly your voice. They may be the voices of your parents or grandparents or boss or partner but they are not your authentic, genuine voice. Once you become aware of the difference you can begin to lean in and listen.

For me this has come through meditation, yoga, and work with teachers from varying backgrounds and expertise. It's also come from being in the garden, the woods, and on the shore. From watching my kids play and listening to their giggles. It's come from slowing down and chasing less. From creating space in my house, my relationships, and my life.

And from choosing this every day.

Waking up with the intention to live well [not perfectly] this day I've been given. Going to bed releasing the guilt and shame and disappointment I may carry and covering myself with grace, knowing I did the best I could with what I have.

May you find a way to release an expectation, even the smallest of one. May you trust you are enough. And may you live from a space that flows freely from the goodness that lies within. 

A DIFFERENT LOOK AT LOVE AND WARM OAT CEREAL with medjool dates, Hunza raisins, and Indian spices

Valentine's day is one cloaked in controversy and fluff and expectation. It can be beautiful in it's most humble sense - a day set aside to show those around you how much you care. It can be a day to pause and acknowledge the beautiful person you are. But it can be painful - a reminder of loss or disappointment or what never was.

But today, on this day of love, I wonder if we focus on a bit larger picture.

I love the idea of love God [or Spirit or whatever designation you've bestowed on this essence we understand as larger than ourselves] and love others.

I've found that sinking into this mystery of Spirit, sitting quietly in its presence, has led me into greater compassion for others. Rather than reacting from my own place of hurt, I am slowly learning to see first this light of Spirit we all share. A oneness we can enjoy because we are human and alive and here, on this earth, together. Differences slowly break under the weight of grace. Everything around is alive with a gentle yet powerful pulse.

In this place, wounds can be healed. A larger, more grand view of life set in place.

I don't write this as a theoretical idea - a notion I believe but haven't tested to be true.

Over the last two years I've worked intentionally to heal the brokenness stored deep within the crevices of my body, some a lifetime old. I've delved into yoga as more than a physical practice, but as a way of being. I've critically thought through the faith I was given at birth, wrestled it, and released what needed to go. I've grieved and celebrated and faced down all the fears and emotion I expend so much energy desperately trying to silence. And I've asked all the questions I've been afraid of. I've made space in my life for doubt and confusion and settled into not having the answers to some very big things.

And I've come out of all of this still walking. Still breathing. Still smiling although now in more settled, free, and authentic way.

On this day we call Valentine's, may you sink into whatever discomfort arises. May you equally melt into the joy. May you welcome all of the feelings that rise to the surface and give them a place at your interior table, acknowledging their importance and worth in your life. And then may you embrace the ones that lead you to a deeper sense of loving God and loving others. May you have the courage to go deep within yourself with a powerful sense of curiosity, dig up what lies there, and move into a place so much grander than you could ever imagine.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Elizabeth Kubler Ross

[ABOUT THE RECIPE]

This morning I woke up with this intense need for a warm, nourishing, grounding, and balancing breakfast. This recipe is my go to, especially when daybreak presents itself in the single digits. The spices found in the Korma powder are excellent at warming the body from the inside and anchoring the airy, empty feeling that so often comes from eating non-seasonally within the winter season [for example, cold salads and ice cream when the earth is covered in white]. Adding strong spices increases the flavor and satisfaction of the food, thus decreasing the need for excessive sweetener and salt.

[THE RECIPE]
Serves 4

1 1/2 c. old fashioned rolled oats
3 - 4 c. water [adjust to thickness desired, less water will give you a thicker cereal]
1/8 c. chia seeds
2 T. ghee
1 heaping tsp. Korma powder [see recipe below]
1/4 tsp. cardamom powder
1/4 tsp. ground ginger
1/4 tsp. sea salt
6 - 8 medjool dates, pitted and thinly sliced
1/4 c. Hunza golden raisins

Garnish options: maple syrup or raw honey, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, almonds, fresh or frozen berries, cut apple or pear, milk of choice, toasted coconut flakes

Korma Powder Recipe:

1 T. whole coriander seeds
1 T. whole cumin seeds
1 T. whole fennel seeds
1 T. whole mustard seeds
1 T. whole fenugreek seeds
1 T. whole cardamom seeds
1 T. poppy seeds
1 T. whole pepper seeds
1 T. ground cinnamon
1 T. ground ginger
1 T. ground turmeric
1 tsp. ground cloves

Place all Korma powder ingredients in a spice grinder or Vitamix dry container. Blend on high until a very fine powder is achieved. Transfer to an glass container with tight-fitting lid. Store in a cool, dark place.

In a medium size sauce pan, combine oats, chia seeds, cardamom, ginger, Korma powder, and sea salt. Add water and ghee and bring to boil over medium-high heat. Once water boils, reduce heat to low, add dates and raisins, and cook until all of the water has been absorbed, stirring frequently. Add more water for a thinner consistency.

Divide into bowls and top with garnishes desired. Serve warm.