WHAT IS IT YOU CHASE?

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Last week I was shocked by a podcast. Not because of a story or anecdote or person but more because it held the answer to something I've been wrestling with for a while. I sat there stunned and then cried. I wrote and re-read and at some point just stared.

As this season's weather has haphazardly ping-ponged back and forth I've felt a similar experience happening within. Of course the climate and transition can affect us, and does, however this was a bit more than that. I felt rushed and overwhelmed, as if I was chasing something but couldn't exactly put my finger on what "it" was and had a sinking sense that I'd never actually catch it. A feeling that has plagued me a good chunk of my life. Most things had become a task to be completed, a list that didn't really end. I would get to the end of the day not really feeling like I'd finished what I had set out to do, leaving me with a sense of disappointment and regret. 

And then the podcast pummeled me. Or maybe scooped me up and rocked me. Probably both.

Ambition.

Ambition is every bit temptress and hero, equal parts effective and debilitating. For me, ambition had disguised itself as productive, achievement, and good. Although, I couldn't explain what "making it" looked like, I knew that if I didn't I'd be left behind. And behind was a place I didn't want to be.

It had lured me into the chase, never offering the goal. Instead of experiencing all that was promised, ambition had left me exhausted, empty and confused. I was pushing myself and I had no idea why. Why am I rushing my shower and folding the clothes so quickly? Why can't these dishes get done faster or this drive time be less? Why am I multi-tasking brushing my teeth? How can I shave a little time off here so I have more time there? Body tense, jaw locked, nerves alert - full 'bout it mode.

Last month in teacher training [500 hour!] we were asked to write our teaching mantra - the thing that keeps us coming back to our mat and back to our classes. The thing that guides us in sequencing, words and practice. I had this really nice mantra prepared. Something about challenging and nourishing and growth. All true but not quite the core of why I teach.

After a guided meditation our instructor asked us to write down our mantra and what came up for me was both unexpected and, to be honest, a bit of a let down.

The root of why I teach isn't because I want to offer something great to the world. It isn't because I have this grandiose plan or insight and want to share it. It isn't even because I want to be successful.

Nope.

I teach because I love yoga.

That's it.

I teach because I feel alive and whole on my mat. Because I can't think of anything else I would rather put my life towards.

I was so blinded by ambition, I couldn't even see the depth of beauty in this.

It took me a lot of writing and sifting to realize that ambition got scared. Ambition was let down that deep inside, where I'm striped of all the layers I've put on, something was preserved. A truth that remains untainted and pure. The knowledge that there's no greater gift we can offer the world than ourselves fully alive and whole, loving what we do. 

And so, more often than I care to count in one day, I remind myself that ambition isn't in charge anymore. That it's okay to have goals and dreams and to name each one. And then to remember that striving isn't why we're here. Chasing and achieving isn't what we're meant to do. I bring myself back to my center, over and over again, knowing from experience that some day living from this place will be my normal.

With practice and attention I'm getting better at recognizing the rising panic within that screams "I have to get this done quickly because I have so much else to do!" I relax my body and heart and mind. I soften my breath and feel - feel whatever it is that I'm doing. When the anxiety starts to brew I ask myself, "What is it you chase?" Most of the time I can't come up with an answer.

This morning as I sat by the fire and did my morning pages [more on this another day], I watched and listened to my kids. I was filled with gratitude and overwhelmed with joy simply because I get to be a part of their world. I watched them, fully present, play and act and create. I listened to their words and felt their presence. No worries or thought about past or future. My teachers in tiny form.

Moments like these await us when we set down our striving and chasing and ambition. The work is part reclaiming the beauty of the present we once knew and part learning how to live from this place in the reality we now have. It takes time, practice and compassion. It requires trading the sweet taste of completion, achieving, striving and the chase for a pace that's sustainable, a deep sense of worth and a life that feels that much more whole.

Today, ask yourself this: what is it you chase? Can you name it? Is it fulfilling or sapping you of energy and life? Ask yourself why you do what you do [work, parenting, hobbies, etc.]? What keeps you coming back? Keep asking that question until you get to the core. The place that first brings a knowing smile to your face if only for a second. Or maybe the place where you know it's time to give that thing up or reconfigure.

Peace to you, friends.

PS - If your curiosity is eating you alive, here's the podcast. 

PUMPKIN CHAI with tumeric and ginger + HOLDING THE LONG VIEW

A few weeks ago I was walking with my friend Kim and in her normal fashion she shared thoughts and insight that had me thinking for awhile after. I find myself so often wishing we had our conversations recorded. This time I strapped my head on and asked her to write down her thoughts [if she could remember them] as I thought they could benefit more than simply me.

She did!

And so I share them here. May the embrace of her words carry you this rainy morn.

Oh, and before you read, maybe you make yourself a warm, pumkin-y treat. I'm been dreaming of this recipe ever since cucurbits hit the market.

[THE RECIPE]

For the Concentrate:

2 tablespoons cinnamon chips
2 tablespoons dried ginger, minced
1 tablespoon dried turmeric, minced
1 teaspoon whole fennel
1/2 teaspoon whole cloves
1/4 teaspoon whole peppercorns
small piece of whole nutmeg [take a hammer and smash whole one] or a few sprinkles of ground
4 cups water

For the Chai:

1 cup milk of choice
2 tablespoons pumpkin puree
1 - 2 tablespoon honey or maple syrup
1 cup of concentrate

Place all ingredients in a medium size saucepan and bring to boil. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for 30 minutes.

Meanwhile, warm milk, pumpkin puree and honey in small saucepan until hot but not boiling. Remove from heat and pour into blender. Blend until very smooth [make sure your blender top has a way for steam to escape].

Strain and place one cup of concentrate in a single mug. Reserve the rest for another time. Store in refrigerator for a couple days.

Add milk to concentrate in mug and stir. Taste and add more sweetener as necessary.


[HOLDING THE LONG VIEW]

Some time ago I heard or read a definition of faith that was different than the the definition I have lived by most of my life. I often do not remember where I read or heard something. The point is that I remember it.  Many great insights go in and around and through me in a day, but when I remember it the next day and the next, then I know that particular wisdom holds a key to my growth.

The new definition went something like this: faith is putting oneself on the path of those that have gone before. To put myself on the path of those that have gone before me instantly struck me as a cooperation between discipline and trust, effort and hope. Being an optimist by nature, I’m really good at the hope and trust part.  I think at one time faith even came up on a spiritual gifts inventory that I completed. I suppose it is a blessing of sorts to be able to trust so easily, to expect that it’s all going to work out, not to worry my pretty little head about things I can’t do much about.

However, lately I’ve realized that my old working definition of faith short-circuited the formation of discipline in my life.  It zapped the satisfaction of working hard to achieve a goal. Maybe my definition of faith looked more like a definition of fate.  If I was meant to have anything, it would come to me by way of chance or a gift from Providence.  Sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don’t. Oh, well.  Spin the wheel again.

My yoga teacher encourages, “Hold the long view.” She tells me this when I am struggling again with my short hamstrings or my weak mid-back muscles.  She tells me this when I want to be in  handstand, but I can hardly make it through the first preparation step.  She points out others in my class who seem to effortlessly pop their feet right up and tells me how long they have been practicing.They were practicing while I assumed it just wasn’t in the cards for me to be able to do or even say Adho Mukha Vrksasana (Sanskrit for “handstand”).

Practicing.  Yes, that’s it.  The counterpart of faith.  The steps along the path that others have trod to reach a destination that I am walking toward. I cannot hold the long view without taking each step toward the destination.  I cannot expect the full expression of my body in Yoga without going to my mat to practice between Thursday night classes. I cannot expect to deepen my awareness without consistent contemplative prayer. I cannot expect to discover my creativity without doing the work to confront my fears. The fruit of any path cannot be mine without a faith of action and hope.

I really want to be able to do Adho Mukha Vrksasana so you know what? I am on my mat most days doing fingertip Cobra push-ups and half-handstand holds at the wall. I am holding onto a faith that requires action.  I am walking in the way of those that have gone before and finding the joy of discipline along the way. The ones who have gone before me have become the ones to encourage me and offer accountability.  Another wise one said, “The road to heaven is heaven.” But perhaps that is a reflection for another post.

With heart forward,

Kim

​Kim is a Certified Spiritual Director. She has been practicing for the past two years with The Dominican Center at Marywood. Spiritual direction is a path for growing in awareness. As one begins to notice authentic movement in one's life, discerning a response to this movement becomes possible. Kim finds joy in creating a compassionate space where directee and director discover together the opening toward clarity, love and transformation. Kim is currently training for her RYT 200 certification with From the Heart Yoga and Tai Chi Center. Yoga has been a constant companion and teacher to her for the past five years.  The mat is like a mirror, always reflecting back the struggle or celebration that is within. Yoga provides a way to meet the Self, a space to hold the truth gently and a platform from which to step forward.

CRISP CUPS with blueberries, cardamom and ghee

This is one of my daughter's favorite lunch time treats. I take one out of the freezer to thaw overnight and pop into her lunch bag in the morning. These also make for a fun dessert - an artsy spin on a common favorite. Use any berries or fruit you have on hand and spice as you like.

[THE RECIPE]

8 - 10 small 8oz jars with wide mouths [Kerr or Ball work well]

8 c. frozen or fresh blueberries, reserving a handful whole
1 c. apple juice [optional]
1 T. vanilla extract or vanilla bean balsamic vinegar 

3 - 4 c. old-fashioned rolled oats
1 c. oat flour
3/4 c. ghee, melted [use coconut oil for vegan option]
3/4 c. maple syrup
2 T. cinnamon
1 - 2 tsp. cardamom [to taste]
1 tsp. sea salt

Place jars on a rimmed stainless steel baking pan and set aside.

In a medium saucepan, warm blueberries and apple juice. Cook over medium heat until just soft.

While blueberries cook, in a large glass bowl mix oats, oat flour, ghee, syrup, cinnamon, cardamom and salt. Taste and add more of any ingredient if needed.

Remove blueberry mixture from heat and add vanilla extract. Fill each jar half way with blueberry mix and top with a couple whole berries. Fill remaining space in jar with oat mixture leaving a little space at the top of the jar.

Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes or until berry mixture is bubbling and oat topping beginning to brown.

Remove from heat and allow to cool. If freezing, cool completely, place entire baking sheet in freezer and leave until completely frozen. Secure a lid AFTER completely frozen.

KITCHARI SOUP FOR COLD + FLU SEASON

Colds seem to have hit many I know as school starts, weather fluctuates and allergens fly. This soup is a favorite of mine. Really easy, adaptable and a wonderfully nourishing meal in times of illness, pregnancy-related nausea and anytime a warm cup 'o something sounds really grand.

[THE RECIPE]

1/4 c. ghee
1 T. sea salt [more as desired]
1 c. chopped maitake mushrooms [or mushroom of choice]
1 T. ginger, minced very fine
1 c. chopped leeks or onions
1 c. celery root [optional]
1 1/2 c. sweet potatoes and/or carrots
1 1/2 c. potatoes [red or yellow skinned]
2 c. garbanzo beans
2 c. basmati rice
4 c. chicken or vegetable broth
4 - 6 c. water
1 - 2 c. peas [depending on preference]

Warm ghee over medium heat in large soup pot. Add mushrooms, onions [if using] and ginger. Saute until mushrooms are golden brown [5 - 8 minutes] stirring frequently. Add leeks [if using in place of onions] and celery root. Saute an additional 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add sweet potatoes, carrots, potatoes, garbanzo beans, rice and salt to pot and mix well.

Pour in broth and 6 cups water. Bring liquid to boil. Once boiling, reduce heat to medium-low or at a temperature that will maintain a gentle simmer. Cook for 40 - 45 minutes. Check at the halfway point and add more water if mixture seems too thick.

With about 5 - 10 minutes remaining of cooking time, add peas and continue to simmer.

Remove from heat, add salt as desired, and serve!