WHAT IS IT YOU CHASE?

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Last week I was shocked by a podcast. Not because of a story or anecdote or person but more because it held the answer to something I've been wrestling with for a while. I sat there stunned and then cried. I wrote and re-read and at some point just stared.

As this season's weather has haphazardly ping-ponged back and forth I've felt a similar experience happening within. Of course the climate and transition can affect us, and does, however this was a bit more than that. I felt rushed and overwhelmed, as if I was chasing something but couldn't exactly put my finger on what "it" was and had a sinking sense that I'd never actually catch it. A feeling that has plagued me a good chunk of my life. Most things had become a task to be completed, a list that didn't really end. I would get to the end of the day not really feeling like I'd finished what I had set out to do, leaving me with a sense of disappointment and regret. 

And then the podcast pummeled me. Or maybe scooped me up and rocked me. Probably both.

Ambition.

Ambition is every bit temptress and hero, equal parts effective and debilitating. For me, ambition had disguised itself as productive, achievement, and good. Although, I couldn't explain what "making it" looked like, I knew that if I didn't I'd be left behind. And behind was a place I didn't want to be.

It had lured me into the chase, never offering the goal. Instead of experiencing all that was promised, ambition had left me exhausted, empty and confused. I was pushing myself and I had no idea why. Why am I rushing my shower and folding the clothes so quickly? Why can't these dishes get done faster or this drive time be less? Why am I multi-tasking brushing my teeth? How can I shave a little time off here so I have more time there? Body tense, jaw locked, nerves alert - full 'bout it mode.

Last month in teacher training [500 hour!] we were asked to write our teaching mantra - the thing that keeps us coming back to our mat and back to our classes. The thing that guides us in sequencing, words and practice. I had this really nice mantra prepared. Something about challenging and nourishing and growth. All true but not quite the core of why I teach.

After a guided meditation our instructor asked us to write down our mantra and what came up for me was both unexpected and, to be honest, a bit of a let down.

The root of why I teach isn't because I want to offer something great to the world. It isn't because I have this grandiose plan or insight and want to share it. It isn't even because I want to be successful.

Nope.

I teach because I love yoga.

That's it.

I teach because I feel alive and whole on my mat. Because I can't think of anything else I would rather put my life towards.

I was so blinded by ambition, I couldn't even see the depth of beauty in this.

It took me a lot of writing and sifting to realize that ambition got scared. Ambition was let down that deep inside, where I'm striped of all the layers I've put on, something was preserved. A truth that remains untainted and pure. The knowledge that there's no greater gift we can offer the world than ourselves fully alive and whole, loving what we do. 

And so, more often than I care to count in one day, I remind myself that ambition isn't in charge anymore. That it's okay to have goals and dreams and to name each one. And then to remember that striving isn't why we're here. Chasing and achieving isn't what we're meant to do. I bring myself back to my center, over and over again, knowing from experience that some day living from this place will be my normal.

With practice and attention I'm getting better at recognizing the rising panic within that screams "I have to get this done quickly because I have so much else to do!" I relax my body and heart and mind. I soften my breath and feel - feel whatever it is that I'm doing. When the anxiety starts to brew I ask myself, "What is it you chase?" Most of the time I can't come up with an answer.

This morning as I sat by the fire and did my morning pages [more on this another day], I watched and listened to my kids. I was filled with gratitude and overwhelmed with joy simply because I get to be a part of their world. I watched them, fully present, play and act and create. I listened to their words and felt their presence. No worries or thought about past or future. My teachers in tiny form.

Moments like these await us when we set down our striving and chasing and ambition. The work is part reclaiming the beauty of the present we once knew and part learning how to live from this place in the reality we now have. It takes time, practice and compassion. It requires trading the sweet taste of completion, achieving, striving and the chase for a pace that's sustainable, a deep sense of worth and a life that feels that much more whole.

Today, ask yourself this: what is it you chase? Can you name it? Is it fulfilling or sapping you of energy and life? Ask yourself why you do what you do [work, parenting, hobbies, etc.]? What keeps you coming back? Keep asking that question until you get to the core. The place that first brings a knowing smile to your face if only for a second. Or maybe the place where you know it's time to give that thing up or reconfigure.

Peace to you, friends.

PS - If your curiosity is eating you alive, here's the podcast. 

HERBAL TEA FOR A COLD / FLU + THE BEAUTY OF REST

Today I did something very uncharacteristic of my Type-A full-steam-ahead personality. After finishing cleaning the kitchen, I took my lunch, sat down by the fire and thought to myself, “Wow, I just cleaned the kitchen.” Then I took a break.

This is unlike me for two reasons: 

1] When I have a to-do list, generally I feel the insane urge to plow through. Only upon completion do I allow myself a tiny moment of relief it’s over. Then I add another item to the list and bam! moment vanishes and off I go. Rarely does cleaning the kitchen feel like an effort worth pause and celebration.

2] The idea of sitting quietly and enjoying myself for a moment mid-day a few times over has, until fairly recently, been a foreign concept – one that tends to make me twitch. I’m inclined to bow down to accomplishment and success in the work I do yet never allow myself to fully embrace the “after” of such work. My mantra [I’m sorry to say] has been “What else needs to be done?” My answer? Everything.

And then today, with the help of a little divine intervention, I actually sat down. Not in the “well, I’m practicing mindfulness and being present so I should” sort of way but in an “I really want to just be for a minute so I’m going to” manner.

Let me make this clear – I am not giving anyone an excuse to be sluggish and lazy. With a world full of good, life-giving work there is no room for sitting on your laurels with the TV on, eating another microwave dinner, and repeating this charade day in and day out. If that’s you, this is your wake up call. Get up, the world waits! As important as it is to have rest with work, it is equally as important to have ample work with rest.

On the other hand, I do support the practice of putting accomplishment in its proper place understanding I can achieve many things and still refrain from letting accomplishment define who I am - it is not my God. Achievement does not own me - defining my mood, my energy level, my personality. By taking a moment to sit in the present and consider the thing I just did [whatever it was], I am allowing myself to feel the pleasure and gift of hard work. I compare it to savansana after an intense yoga class or long day. It’s natural for me to give everything to my practice or day but even more innate, if I allow it, is to sink into the rest that comes after.

When we live in the present and give ourselves fully to something, there can be no other response to the act but to be still.

Of course we can push through, railroading any form of rest and reflection on the way. But in yoga this is where injury happens to our bodies. In life this is where damage happens to relationships with self, others, the earth, and with God. 

If we don’t take the time necessary to reflect on our decisions made and actions taken, how can we possibly make well thought out choices that will benefit the people and world around us?    

As we enter this new year swelling with both promise and challenge, may we take intentional time each day to recognize that our accomplishments, the things we do, cannot define who we are. 

It’s the spaces in between the doing that truly form us into our best selves.

Now, if you’re not convinced to rest amid bouts of work simply because it’s awesome for your body, your spirit, and actually allows you to be more productive overall, then maybe adding an immunity boost to sweeten the deal will get you. That’s right, rest [both mental and physical] is bar none the most important thing you can do to prevent illness. I’m not messing with you – you can do everything I've listed on the Colds & Flu Prevention page [all good things to do regardless], but without giving yourself space to break, will still be culpable to colds and other illness.

That being said, this is my go-to tea blend in the event a cold pops up. I drink at least 4 strong cups a day throughout the duration of the cold and then a cup or two each day in the week or two after as sort of "I mean it!" finale. You can also use this tea as a preventative if you feel something coming on.

This, along with some of my other tried and true remedies [by this I mean I have personally tried and found them to be true], ensures any illness will be short-lived.

Oh, and did I mention? This recipe is as simple as they get. This means you can combine the herbs while the water is boiling, steep a cup, and go rest basking in the accomplishment of just making your own tea blend!

A note about measuring in "parts": "parts" is a general measuring term that can mean any form of measurement. The thing to remember when using parts is if you start with 1 tablespoon equating 1 part then you need to continue that measurement throughout recipe. For example, if 1 tablespoon equals 1 part then 2 parts would  be 2 tablespoons and 1/2 part would be 1/2 tablespoon. 

[THE RECIPE]

2 parts each:

Yarrow Flower, dried

Elder Flower, dried

1 part each:

Peppermint Leaf, dried

Olive Leaf, dried

Place all of the ingredients in a glass jar with a tight fitting lid, leaving at least a two-inch space at the top. Gently shake the jar to mix herbs. 

To use, place 2 - 3 teaspoons of tea mix in a metal tea strainer, tea ball, or unbleached cotton tea bag. Put tea bag in a mug suitable for hot liquids and pour 1 - 1 1/2 cups of boiling water over tea. Steep for at least 10 - 15 minutes to make a bold tea [the stronger the tea the more health benefits you receive]. I like to let my tea steep to room temperature and drink warm rather than hot. 

If you're dealing with a sore throat, add a good splash of lemon juice and a bit of honey.